Post Your Jokes On Here

[the_lock_man]

I hate chauffeurs. They drive me round the bend.

 

[Inchworm]

OK, folks, I had to cut some posts out of this thread due to complaints. Please keep it nice and we'll keep the thread open and all have some fun.

 

[MBOU]

Murphy: "You've a nice couple of goldfish there Paddy. What are their names?"

Paddy: "I've called them, One and Two"

Murphy: "Why is that then Paddy?"

Paddy: "'coz if One dies, I've still got Two"

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene,

but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

(possibly more funny because i have spent too much time in doctors and dentists and hospitals recently!)

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

 

[FishFanatic04]

some one threw a block of cheese at me the other day...I thought 'that's mature'.

Murphy: "You've a nice couple of goldfish there Paddy. What are their names?"

Paddy: "I've called them, One and Two"

Murphy: "Why is that then Paddy?"

Paddy: "'coz if One dies, I've still got Two"

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene,

but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

(possibly more funny because i have spent too much time in doctors and dentists and hospitals recently!)

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

hahahahaha

 

[Dieses Madchen]

2 men walked into a bar. The third was was paying attention and walked around.

 

[garyspence84]

As the final nail of the coffin, at a traffic wardens funeral goes in, a voice screams...
"HELP HELP! I'M NOT DEAD! LET ME OUT!"
To which the vicar, sucks air in through his teeth, leans forward and says...
"Too late PAL, iv already filled in the paperwork".

 

[BlueDragon]

Now, before I type out this joke I'd like to point out that I'm a blonde lass too, so I mean no disrespect.

Three blonde women are in a police office. All are wanting a job there.
So they're all sat down together. The first blonde gets shown a mug shot and is asked "can you tell me what is wrong with this picture?"
The first blonde thinks for a second and then replies "yes. he only has one eye".
The policman is irritated by this and says nothing, turns to the next blonde and shows her the photo. Asks her the same question.
The blonde has a good look at the photo and eventually replies "he only has one ear".
Annoyed at both women he slams the photo down in front of the third blonde. "can you tell me what is wrong with this photo?"
The third blonde takes a very quick glance at the photo and replies "No. But I know he wears contact lenses."
The policman is confused, and looks up the person in the mug shot. And in deed he did wear contacts.
"how on earth did you know that?" he askes, stunned.
"well," said the third blonde. "if he only has one eye and one ear he can't wear glasses can he?"

 

[bae1994]

This is off a tv show not mine

There's three guys in a bar and they start to tell each over what they drive

The first guy sais I'm a astronaught so I drive a rocket ship

The second guy sais well I'm a pimp so I drive a cheap escort

The third guy sais well I've got you both beat as I'm a proctologist so I drive a brown probe !

 

[Alm0stAwesome]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

 

[ZoddyZod]

What's brown and knocks on your bedroom window?



A poo on stilts.

 

[Alm0stAwesome]

loL! Nothing like a good poo joke


A man walks into a bar and says "ouch".

 

[TropicalJuwel]

Keeping in touch with why most of us are on this forum.


Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "do you know how to drive this"

 

[Dieses Madchen]

What do you call a fish with no eye?

FSH

 

[FishFanatic04]

Where do little fishes go every morning?

To place school!

 

[crazyforcordoras]

Yo mamas so stupid, she goes to the dentist just to get a Blue Tooth.
Yo mamas so stupid, she puts makeup on her eyeballs just to look good.

These jokes are directed to. Nobody...