Jokes
- Thread starter Jonty
- Start date
Stephen Hawkins went on his first date in 15 years last week, he came back with 2 sprained ankles, a black eye, grazed elbows and graze on his chin...
apparently she stood him up.
apparently she stood him up.
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2007
- Messages
- 4,481
- Reaction score
- 4
- Points
- 38
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!
(Oops, you said good jokes didn't you?)
He had no body to go with!
(Oops, you said good jokes didn't you?)
Might have a couple of jokes.
A duck goes into a pub. He says to the barman "You got any bread?" Barman replies "No it's a pub we only sell alcohol" Duck walks out.
This carries on for a week then on the last day of the week the duck walks into the pub. He says to the barman "Got any bread?" Barman replies "Look I've told you. THIS IS A PUB! And if you ask again i'll nail ya beak to the bar" Duck says "Got any nails?" Barman replies "no, why?" Duck says "Good. Got any bread?"
LOL!
"Man walks into a bar....... OUCH!"
"Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food that fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat ya meat loaf."
"Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have aunt edna for dinner?
Shut up we haven't even finished your grandmother yet."
"Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts!
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!"
I'm gonna stop now unless you want more jokes.
Missy x.
A duck goes into a pub. He says to the barman "You got any bread?" Barman replies "No it's a pub we only sell alcohol" Duck walks out.
This carries on for a week then on the last day of the week the duck walks into the pub. He says to the barman "Got any bread?" Barman replies "Look I've told you. THIS IS A PUB! And if you ask again i'll nail ya beak to the bar" Duck says "Got any nails?" Barman replies "no, why?" Duck says "Good. Got any bread?"
LOL!
"Man walks into a bar....... OUCH!"
"Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food that fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat ya meat loaf."
"Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have aunt edna for dinner?
Shut up we haven't even finished your grandmother yet."
"Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts!
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!"
I'm gonna stop now unless you want more jokes.
Missy x.
Well done MissCosmo. That duck got to my funny bone.
I'm afraid the rest of them are too bland for my tastes.
I'm afraid the rest of them are too bland for my tastes.
kribensis12
I know where you live
A blond decides to go ice fishing on the nearest frozen body of water. She goes to one, and starts cutting our a hole in the ice and she suddenly hears a loud voice saying "There are no fish under the ice", the blonde looks around and just keeps cutting a hole into the ice. Again, the voice says,"there are no fish under the ice", the blonde looks around with a confused look, but keeps on her merry way. She keeps on cutting the hole and for a third time she hears,"There are no fish under the ice". The blonde looks up to the sky and yell's, "God, is that you?". The voice responds "No lady, this is the manager of the hockey rink, now would you please get off the ice?"!
That one makes me laugh every time!
Helen Kellar Jokes (No, I don't think any disability is funny, but the jokes are just for laughs).
#1. How did Helen's parents' punish her?
They re-arranged the furniture. Alternate answer : They made her read a basketball.
#2. Did you know that Helen had a cat?
No? Neither did she!
That one makes me laugh every time!
Helen Kellar Jokes (No, I don't think any disability is funny, but the jokes are just for laughs).
#1. How did Helen's parents' punish her?
They re-arranged the furniture. Alternate answer : They made her read a basketball.
#2. Did you know that Helen had a cat?
No? Neither did she!
White Whale
Granola bar gone bad....
The Power of a Badge.....
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
White Whale
Granola bar gone bad....
To my friends with (and without) Children: Why parents drink.....
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "me ."
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "me ."
Errrrrrrrm......... I think i have a couple more.
"A little boy starts his first day at school. He goes to the teacher and asks if he can go to the toilet. His teacher says "Tell me the alphabet first" So the little boy says "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z" His teacher says "Where's the P?" The little boy says "Halfway down my leg"
"A little boy has just been told by his teacher to learn the first 4 letters of the alphabet. So he goes home and goes to his mum who is cooking tea "Mum, what's the first letter alphabet?" his mum says "get lost!" The little boy goes to his little brother who is watching batman and says "Bro, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His little brother says "nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. BATMAN!" So the little boy goes to his dad who is playing darts and says "dad, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" his dad says "180" At last the little boy goes to his little sister who is watching brum and says "sis, what's the fourth letter of the alphabet?" His little sister says "In a brum brum car, in a brum brum car"
The little boy goes to school the next day and his teacher says "Have you learnt the first 4 letters of the alphabet?" He says "yes" She says "go on then" The little boy goes "get lost!" The teacher says "Pardon me, who do you think you are?" He says "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. BATMAN!" She says "And how many detentions do you want?" he says "180" So the teacher says "How you gonna get outta that then?" The little boy goes "In a brum brum car, in a brum brum car"
Missy x.
"A little boy starts his first day at school. He goes to the teacher and asks if he can go to the toilet. His teacher says "Tell me the alphabet first" So the little boy says "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z" His teacher says "Where's the P?" The little boy says "Halfway down my leg"
"A little boy has just been told by his teacher to learn the first 4 letters of the alphabet. So he goes home and goes to his mum who is cooking tea "Mum, what's the first letter alphabet?" his mum says "get lost!" The little boy goes to his little brother who is watching batman and says "Bro, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" His little brother says "nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. BATMAN!" So the little boy goes to his dad who is playing darts and says "dad, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" his dad says "180" At last the little boy goes to his little sister who is watching brum and says "sis, what's the fourth letter of the alphabet?" His little sister says "In a brum brum car, in a brum brum car"
The little boy goes to school the next day and his teacher says "Have you learnt the first 4 letters of the alphabet?" He says "yes" She says "go on then" The little boy goes "get lost!" The teacher says "Pardon me, who do you think you are?" He says "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. BATMAN!" She says "And how many detentions do you want?" he says "180" So the teacher says "How you gonna get outta that then?" The little boy goes "In a brum brum car, in a brum brum car"
Missy x.
What's Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture!
this next is a little bad
Yo' Mama is so flat, the last time she felt a breast was in a KFC bucket.
Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's Day?
A: All pants half off.
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
Yo' Mama is like a beached whale: stinky and tragic, but you can't help but stare
Paddy O'Furniture!
this next is a little bad
Yo' Mama is so flat, the last time she felt a breast was in a KFC bucket.
Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's Day?
A: All pants half off.
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
Yo' Mama is like a beached whale: stinky and tragic, but you can't help but stare
vampire-queen
New Member
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2010
- Messages
- 40
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 0
Right my jokes are very bad but
A man goes to his mates in a wheelchair his mate says"what happened to you" his mate says"well i heard of this underground bar called yaoch so that night he went to find the bar he found it and walked straight into it yaoch
Vampire-queen
A man goes to his mates in a wheelchair his mate says"what happened to you" his mate says"well i heard of this underground bar called yaoch so that night he went to find the bar he found it and walked straight into it yaoch
Vampire-queen Similar threads
Most reactions
-
701 -
388 -
290 -
256 -
196 -
190 -
179 -
169 -
156 -
153 -
142 -
121 -
104 -
89 -
83