Oh how I don't wanna say this.

The stupid stuff worked. In TWO tanks. I've got the two 5.5 gallons set up for a betta each, and one was brand new so was in the middle of a cycle (ammonia had gone up a bit, then down [but never to 0], and nitrite was up a bit - remember, only 1 fish, so nothing went super high). The other tank was new but I moved over a small bit of what I could salvage of the stupid Eclipse's filter floss (from the cartridge). So there was a BIT of "mature" media there. But it was still cycling - ammonia about .25 and nitrite about that or a TAD higher.
I added the SafeStart to the 1st tank mentioned above first. I added it in the evening. By morning, nitrite was 0. Ammonia was still there - but barely. Just SLIGHTLY discoloring the test, but no where near the light green of the .25 result. Just slightly tinged green if you kwim - the color that makes you look at it 5000 times trying to decide if it's green-tinged or not. Ammonia has now dropped to definitely yellow (but not as pale as it is when you first shake it). I waited a couple days, then added the rest of the bottle to the second tank. (I used half a bottle for each tank - it says to use the whole thing, but it says use the whole thing for up to 75 gallons. These are small 5.5 gallon tanks - I figured half a bottle was fine for each, plus I didn't expect it to work ANYhow.) The ammonia and nitrites were (before adding) JUST under .25 - just enough to make me try to decide whether a small water change was in order. I decided not to do the water change, but to dump the rest of the bottle in and see if the other tank was a fluke or just great timing (maybe the tank was right at the end of its cycle or something ANYhow and it was a big ol' coincidence). Poured it in in the morning. Tested at night, and as with the first tank, nitrites were now 0 and ammonia was absolutely negligible (no green, just a medium yellow - though not as pale as when first put in).
I don't get it. I'm really, really surprised. (Happy!, but surprised.) The only thing I can say is that my friend bought it from a shop that kept it refrigerated, and she says they told her that they request it be shipped the same way TO them. She said they even gave her an ice pack for the trip home to keep it cold. (85-90F here lately.) I dunno. Perhaps it's a fluke, and you can bet I'll be testing 1-2x daily for the next week or more, but thought I'd let you know how this one APPEARS to have turned out.
I still don't trust it, and will be doing mature media in the 55 gallon. I think most of the time it doesn't work, and I can't see how it possibly CAN work if bought off a shelf.
Dunno!