Jokes

[the biffster]

here a joke for you


guy walks in to the doctors with
a frog hanging out of his ear the
doctor say how long as that been like that
the frog turned around and said well it started out
as a boil on my backside


well i thought it was funny come on i could
do with a laugh

 

[festo]

A mild looking fellow appeared before st Peter at the pearly gates,
have you ever done anything of particular merit st Peter asked,
Well on a trip to north Wales i came across a gang of bikers who were hassling a young lady,
i told them to leave her alone,but they wouldnt listen...
so i approached the biggest,most tatooed hard lookiin biker an smacked him in the face,
kicked the bike over and then ripped his ear ring out and yelled
NOW BACK OFF OR I KICK THE F------ S--t OUT OF THE LOT OF YOU,
WOW ! st Peter said
when did this happen?.....
about two minutes ago!

 

[james_fish]

Man walks into a drum kit...

...du dum dum tsshhhh. (yes I know)



James.

 

[chrisbassist]

A mild looking fellow appeared before st Peter at the pearly gates,
have you ever done anything of particular merit st Peter asked,
Well on a trip to north Wales i came across a gang of bikers who were hassling a young lady,
i told them to leave her alone,but they wouldnt listen...
so i approached the biggest,most tatooed hard lookiin biker an smacked him in the face,
kicked the bike over and then ripped his ear ring out and yelled
NOW BACK OFF OR I KICK THE F------ S--t OUT OF THE LOT OF YOU,
WOW ! st Peter said
when did this happen?.....
about two minutes ago!

Now imagine Rhod Gilbert saying it.

 

[festo]

Two mexicans stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States,wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death,
when all of a sudden Luis says....."Hey Pepe,do you smell what i smell,ees bacon,i theenk"
"Si Luis,eet sure smells like bacon".
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune & there in the distance,is a tree loaded with bacon.
Theres raw bacon,fried bacon,back bacon,double smoked bacon.....every imaginable kind of bacon.
"Pepe,Pepe,we ees saved.Ees a bacon tree"
"Luis,maybe ees a meerage? we ees in the desert dont forget"
"Pepe,since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon.....ees no meerage,ees a bacon tree"
And with that,Luis staggers towards the tree,he gets to within 5 metres,Pepe crawling close behind,
When suddenly a machine gun opens up,andLuis drops like a wet sock,
mortally wounded,he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe......go back man,you was right.......ees not a bacon tree!"
"luis,Luis mi amigo...........what ees it?"
"Pepe.....................ees not a bacon tree ees
ees
ees
ees
ees a hambush....."

"

 

[Ace Of Spades]

Two mexicans stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States,wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death,
when all of a sudden Luis says....."Hey Pepe,do you smell what i smell,ees bacon,i theenk"
"Si Luis,eet sure smells like bacon".
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune & there in the distance,is a tree loaded with bacon.
Theres raw bacon,fried bacon,back bacon,double smoked bacon.....every imaginable kind of bacon.
"Pepe,Pepe,we ees saved.Ees a bacon tree"
"Luis,maybe ees a meerage? we ees in the desert dont forget"
"Pepe,since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon.....ees no meerage,ees a bacon tree"
And with that,Luis staggers towards the tree,he gets to within 5 metres,Pepe crawling close behind,
When suddenly a machine gun opens up,andLuis drops like a wet sock,
mortally wounded,he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe......go back man,you was right.......ees not a bacon tree!"
"luis,Luis mi amigo...........what ees it?"
"Pepe.....................ees not a bacon tree ees
ees
ees
ees
ees a hambush....."

"

That was actually funny, nice!

 

[bubble87]

how do you get a fat woman out of bed?

piece of cake!

 

[Carlovel1]

Man walks into a drum kit...

...du dum dum tsshhhh. (yes I know)



James.

LOL my fav joke!

Here my joke!
KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Rida
Rida who?
Rida book, you might learn something!

Du dum dum tsshhhh!

 

[the biffster]

me theres a joke for

 

[Paradise3]

My classic one will be told again!

Ducks and pub!
Duck walks into a pub, says to the barman "You got any bread?" To this the barman replies "Sorry sir this is a pub, we only sell drinks and crisps." The duck walks out.
This carries on for a week (duck walks in, barman says no, duck walks out) On the last day the duck walks into the pub and says "You got any bread?" The barman replies "LOOK I'VE TOLD YOU! WE. DON'T. SELL. BREAD! AND IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I'LL NAIL YA BEAK TO THE BAR!" The duck says "Got any nails?" To this the barman is confused but he replies with "No, Why?" The duck says "Good. Got any bread?"

This always makes me lol!

Alessa x.

 

[the biffster]

a mate of mine went to
an australian restaurant
he said he had duckbill platypus
i said did it taste nice he said it
was gorgeous i said was it expensive
he said you should of seen the the bill

boom boom

 

[the biffster]

donald duck go's in to a
pub he say landlord I'll
buy the whole pub a round of
drinks and says put it on my bill

 

[fluttermoth]

So, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi, a priest, a nun, three whores, a duck, a pope, an actress, a bishop, a piece of string, a stretch of motorway, two smarties, four penguins and a horse walk into a bar.

The barman says "Is this some sort of joke?"


And; Did you hear about the door that suffered a breakdown?

Some of its screws came loose and it became unhinged.

 

[Paradise3]

We will call the 3 men in this joke Jerry, Darren and Bob.

3 men die and go to heaven. They are waiting at the gates to be registered and let through when the receptionist say "Oh just a word of warning, don't step on the ducks!" Bob says "Why not?" The receptionist says "God loves ducks and if you step on one, you get punished." The 3 men go through and there are ducks everywhere! Within 5 minutes Darren steps on a duck. 2 Angels take him away and handcuff him to the ugliest girl he's ever seen. When the pair re-join Bob and Jerry they carry on walking around. 5 Minutes later Bob steps on a duck. 2 Angels take him away and handcuff him to the ugliest girl he has every seen. The 2 rejoin the other 3 and they carry on walking. 5 minutes later 2 angels come and pick up Jerry. He protests with "WHAT DID I DO?? I DIDN'T STAND ON A DUCK!!!" Then the angels handcuff him to the most beautiful girl he has ever seen "What did i do to deserve you?!" He exclaims She replies "I don't know what you did but i stood on a duck"

There we go! I'll try to think of some more.

Alessa x.

 

[the biffster]

two nuns driving along in a
car and the devil jumped on the bonnet
one nun said to the other show him your
cross so she leaned out of the window
and shouted get on my bonnet you ******g
******d your ruining my paint job