Joke Of The Day

the_lock_man

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I am selling all my old John Lennon memorabilia online at the moment.
 
Imagine all the PayPal. It's Ebay if you try.
 

Ch4rlie

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:lol: but at same times its :x
 

Mamashack

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Love it - and yes I actually sang it in my head as I was reading it! lol
 

NickAu

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Q: What does WINDOWS stand for?
A: "Work is never done on Windows systems"
 

Q: How did Microsoft break Volkswagen's world record?
A: Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs!
 
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates. "The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth. Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week." In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a god after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week." Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 8."
 

TwoTankAmin

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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what they were laced with, but I have been tripping all day.
 

NickAu

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As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says: "Mr President, please accept my deepest regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control".

Obama, always trying to be 'Presidential' responded "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses".
 

sawickib

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Why cant you trust atoms?
They make up everything 

A nuetron walks into a bar, and asks the bartender how much.
He says, for you, no charge! 
 
 
 
 

Alright last one.
Two chemist walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H2O. The second one says, "I'll have some H20 too". The second one dies.
 
 

NickAu

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Hilarious Computer Quotes

"If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"

"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google."

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth

"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."

"The more I C, the less I see."

"To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password."

"After Perl everything else is just assembly language."

"If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough."

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."

"Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are."

"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it's a classic by Bill Gates in 1981

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer." - Erik Naggum

"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell."

"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."

"Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

"People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'."

"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"

"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"

"The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2."

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila"

"To go forward, you must backup."

"I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code"

"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."

"Better to be a geek than an idiot."

"Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something."

"Geek's favorite pickup line: Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform? "

"Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up."

"Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail."

"Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades."

"The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back."

"It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages."

"The box said 'Required Windows 95 or better'. So, I installed LINUX."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

"once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
" 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"
quoth the server, 404."

"Mac users swear by their Mac,
PC users swear at their PC."

"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."

"Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies." - Linus Torvalds

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that confuse it with binary."

"If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."

"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."

"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."

"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from."

"The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot."

"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."

"The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones."
 

Ch4rlie

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A policeman stops a motorbike that has a rider and passenger couple who are totally naked.
 
Policeman - "So, now then, can you explain to me why you are riding your motorbike as naked as the day you were born?"
 
Male motorbike rider - "Sure can, we're going to a fancy dress party!"
 
Policeman - *raises eyebrows* "huh, a fancy dress party? what are you meant to be going as then in that case?"
 
Male motorbike rider - "yeah, we're going as a tortoise"
 
Female motorbike passenger rider - *nods eagerly* "yep, a tortiose, thats right!"
 
Policeman - "hmm, thats highly doubtful sir" *starts to write ticket...
 
Male motorbike rider - "but we are, that's Michelle behind me, y'know, me shell........"
 

NickAu

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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out all the time is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, don't we, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff






EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
 

AmtotheBurr

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Joke of the day:

What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got little legs!

Bwahahhaa. You're welcome
 

TwoTankAmin

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A man was driving through a rural town one afternoon when he spotted a barber shop. Having time on his hands, he decided to stop and get a trim. As he sat in the barber chair facing towards the street, he noticed a rabbit hop out of the woods on the far side of the road.
 
The rabbit paused at the edge of the road for a few seconds and then ventured onto the street. Unfortunately, the rabbit did not notice the pickup truck coming down the road. As the man watched in horror the rabbit hopped right into the path of the truck and was run over.
 
As the rabbit lay quivering in the road, the man turned to the barber and asked, “Is there anything you can do for that poor animal?” Where upon the barber ran over to his shelf of bottles and lotions, selected two bottles and a small cup, and ran out of the shop with them.
 
The man watched from the barber chair as the barber knelt over the motionless rabbit and uncapped one bottle and poured some of whatever was in it into the cup. Then the barber opened the second bottle and poured some of it into the cup as well. Then he lifted the rabbit’s head and poured some of what was in the cup into the rabbit’s mouth and layed the rabbit’s head back down.
 
The barber then returned to the shop and began to cut the man’s hair where had had left off. As the man watched the rabbit, it suddenly jumped to its feet, shook its head and took two hops toward the woods, stopped, turned towards the shop lifted a paw and waved. The rabbit then turned back towards the woods, hopped twice and again stopped, turned and waved. This was repeated until the rabbit disappeared into the woods.
 
The man was absolutely astonished by what he had just witnessed. He said to the barber, “That was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. What was in the cup you gave the rabbit?”
 
To which the barber replied, “Nothing special. It was two parts hair restorer and one part permanent wave.”
 

NickAu

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Sir I have no idea why your PC wont boot up.



 

AmtotheBurr

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Nick, not sure why that would affect the computer. Maybe try pushing the power button... ;) kidding kidding
 
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