When I had/have those times... where I couldn't face getting out of bed, or it took me all day to only get the basics of caring for parents and pets done, but didn't have the strength, mental energy or motivation to do anything else for myself, or to face the debts, I'd blame myself, blame the depression, since it famously causes a lack of energy and motivation, and berate myself for not just dealing with it like an adult.
I've battled depression my whole life. But I'd always been able to remain functional enough pre-breakdown to work, study, live alone and manage my finances, have a social life etc. Depression does sap your energy and motivation, absolutely. But I went on anti-anxiety/antidepressant meds when needed, made lifestyle changes to diet and activity levels, leaned on friends, and always managed to remain functional enough, even if I had short stretches of "I don't even have the energy or will to get out of bed, and just want to withdraw and hid away from the world."
But post-breakdown, it was so much worse. And when my benefits were cut so I could no longer afford the expenses for my flat, let alone anything else, I didn't just withdraw from friends and activities, but withdrew from the whole world, and couldn't face opening mail with demand letters for money I knew I didn't have a hope of being able to pay, and wasn't nearly well enough to return to work either. So I stopped opening mail too. Got quite a phobia and panic attacks when I did try and deal with it.
In therapy and post-breakdown, there was talk of PTSD. I'd never had panic attacks or agoraphobia prior to some of those traumas, so something had definitely changed - and when I read up more about PTSD, I wondered if mine was an avoidant type. I avoided romantic relationships of any kind, became quite hopeless of any kind of recovery, then began avoiding dealing with the outside world altogether, beyond my family and closest friends. I pulled myself together just enough to care for my parents as they were aging, dad broke his hip, then passed away and mum needed my help more than ever. But previously, I'd resigned myself to being "too broken" to ever recover, and that once my parents didn't need me anymore, I'd opt out. Didn't feel like a deserved any more help, since it hadn't been working in recent years, had zero self worth or confidence left, and depression also saps a lot of the joy and colour from the world, so you don't find pleasure in things you used to enjoy.
I thought the "avoiding the post and demand phone calls/emails etc might be an avoidant PTSD reaction, or the depression, and only beat myself up even more for not just facing it and dealing with it, and letting things pile up and get worse. But this video paints it in a new light, for me.
Now, anyone can make a youtube video, and there's a lot of self-help bunkum out there. But this is a licensed psychologist with a doctorate, and what he's saying makes absolute sense when I've studied psychology and the rapidly growing fields of neuroscience and psychobiology. I've long been aware of the amygdala's part to play in "fight, flight, fawn or freeze" responses, how it can hijack the brain in life or death situations, and is also involved in PTSD. I had not realised the way it pulls resources from the frontal lobes in order to do that - so when it's activated because of chronic, long term stress and what I'd described as feeling "stuck" or "frozen", no matter how important it was that I get up and do something, that sometimes made it even more paralysing, and only made me berate myself more.
The fact that it's not a choice, or being lazy/an idiot/broken beyond repair, or all the other things I tell myself - but that my amygdala is literally shutting down my frontal lobes and executive function - made a lot click into place. The very things you need in order to prioritise tasks, face difficult conversations, get yourself and other things organised - are all in your frontal lobes. Your higher thinking. You can't use those effectively while the amygdala is hogging all of the brain's resources and subconsciously screaming at you to freeze, your life is in immediate danger. And the tendency to beat myself up and try to push through it makes it worse, not better. When trying to push through it, I've described it as being like trying to move through treacle, or wading through a thick fog. It makes so much more sense to me now, why it feels as though your brain is shutting down when you're feeling stuck like that, but have an overwhelming list of difficult tasks to get through.
I also like the analogy of comparing it to potty training a puppy! Being a dog person, with a psych studies background, that makes some sense to me, even though I have a very hard time giving myself credit for anything. I always compare myself to when I was at my most functional, when I was a really good support worker, could clean the house in one day, get a lot of things done, while maintaining a life of my own. So I find it hard to praise myself or give myself credit, and when people tell me I'm handling things well, or how well I'm doing under the circumstances, I tend to internally dismiss that as them just being nice and trying to encourage the crazy lady not to break down again!
But I have to change those internal messages in order to regain that functionality. I did manage to organise both funerals with no real help, did look after mum and dad up until the end, and the rest is paperwork and hoop jumping. I can do that too. A bit at a time, leaning on professionals for help as much as I can, and accepting the help and social support from neighbours and friends!
Getting back into the hobby is a part of that. I didn't want to give it up, but had to backburner it while caring for mum. But we all need hobbies and interests, I have most of the expensive stuff already, so it can still be done on a budget, and it's also part of overhauling this long neglected house that desperately needs sorting through, and every room needs redecorating and some home repairs.
Setting up 'new; tanks that I have sitting around empty so I can transfer stock and get rid of the ancient 57g that dad set up decades ago will be part of that. I'll also be moving to the master bedroom, although the carpet needs ripping up first due to mum's health and accidents... I'm hoping since the house was built in the 20s, there will be good floorboards underneath that I can sand, stain and varnish. Then the downstairs room I've been using can be turned into an office/guest room, so I can get and keep all the paperwork organised. Lots of big projects that can feel overwhelming, but can be broken down and done a bit at a time! Especially if I can give myself credit for the things I have managed to do, get my amygdala to calm down and let my executive function actually work!
it's extremely unsettling when a family member behaves in a way to make us paranoid and suspicious...it feels like betrayal doesn't it?
I was the same, animals were always cared for, no matter how depressed. It was only when mum went downhill and I literally didn't have the time that my tanks suffered some neglect, and I felt awful about it. I'd still do fast water changes when I could, but not as often as my previous weekly 50-60% and plant care, so lost most of my cherished plants because I had no time for ferts, or trimming overgrowth that was shading out my nice plants. 
x
that you've dealt with over the last few months. I totally agree with 
