Poetry Help!

[Miss Wiggle]

my mum's asked me if i'd like to read something at my grandma's funeral on thursday

i've trawled the web for a suitable poem but can't find anything that's quite right so i've hada go at writing something myself.

i've got down some of the thoughts and sentiments i want to include but the flow of it's not too good and i keep rhyming the same bloody words.

so please don't laugh at my pitiful attempts, i'd really appreciate it if anyone could suggest some alternatives and amendments to make it better

--------------------------------

In this life of guns and war
Happy memories can be scarce
But of the time I spent with you
I’ve a few I’d like to share

In the bath you’d wash our hair
Your sharp nails would scratch us
But I’d never mind
As I relished those times
Stories told in your inner sanctum

The draw in your house
Full of chocolate, but
It was always kept locked tight shut
But you hid the key
Where we’d always find it
You knew it was a game to us

Running ahead through the gardens
We’d find secret paths
Climb up to ambush you
As you passed

Your beautiful garden
Warmed by the sun
We’d play for hours
You’d be watching the fun

As you grew older
You’d play less and less
Gradually you needed more time to rest

But you were still our grandma
We would still come
And sit quietly with you
In the warmth of the sun

The nurses and doctors
Looked after you well
You remained ever happy
With Sister Carmell

So grandma I thank you
For those endless days of fun
I’ll think of you always
In your garden in the sun

 

[stang1]

That's a beautiful poem Miss Wiggle. I'm so sorry about your Grandma.
When I lost my first brother my parents read this at his funeral. It's a beautiful poem and still brings a tear to my eye.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am the birds that sing
I am in each gentle thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

Author: Mary E. Frye (formerly attributed to Native American sources).

 

[Miss Wiggle]

thanks

yeah i'd come across that one while looking, it's nice, it just didn't strike a chord with me that i wanted it too.

i found a few similar to the one i wrote with people sharing experiences and memories and really liked them but they weren't my experiences so they didn't quite work for me either.

 

[stang1]

I think you should go with the one you've written, it's beautiful.
Like you say, it's your experiences and your feelings so I'd stick with it.
Please don't change anything, I think it sounds as though you've summed it up perfectly.

 

[Miss Wiggle]

I think you should go with the one you've written, it's beautiful.
Like you say, it's your experiences and your feelings so I'd stick with it.
Please don't change anything, I think it sounds as though you've summed it up perfectly.

thankyou,

there's a few bits i'm definately not happy with.....

but in a way i guess it doesn't matter too much how well it rhymes and if the stanza's all flow properly and stuff, people always relate well to personal experiences.

hmmmm i dunno, only wrote that in the last half hr or so, i'll keep looking at it and tinkering!

 

[stang1]

Good luck with it Miss Wiggle, it'll be nice to see the end result.
My thoughts are with you.

 

[Miss Wiggle]

thanks, i'll post it up when i'm done

 

[Miss Wiggle]

anyone else got any thoughts?

 

[black angel]

It has to come from you and if others change it then its not yours any more. If that makes sense.
Im sure your family will love it and will relate to the words as well as you do.

I think its lovely as it is and shows that your gran was an important part of your life.

 

[demonmagus]

I'd just like to say that it doesn't have to rhyme, lovely thing you're doing though

 

[Miss Wiggle]

It has to come from you and if others change it then its not yours any more. If that makes sense.
Im sure your family will love it and will relate to the words as well as you do.

I think its lovely as it is and shows that your gran was an important part of your life.

yeah I guess so, think i'm mostly lacking confidence

I'd just like to say that it doesn't have to rhyme, lovely thing you're doing though

thanks

 

[Miss Wiggle]

made a few changes, nothing massive though

what do you think?

-----------------------------------------------------------

Happy memories can be scarce
But of the time I spent with you
I’ve a few I’d like to share

In the bath you’d wash our hair
Your sharp nails would scratch us
But I’d never mind
As I relished those times
Stories told in your inner sanctum

The draw in your house
Full of chocolate, but
It was always kept locked tight shut
But you hid the key
Where you knew we’d find it
You always liked to indulge us

Running ahead through the gardens
We’d find secret paths
Climb up to ambush you
As you passed

Your beautiful garden
Warmed by the sun
We’d play for hours
You’d be watching the fun

As you grew older
You’d play less and less
Gradually you needed more time to rest

But you were still our grandma
We would still come
And sit quietly with you
In the warmth of the sun

We’d look through old pictures
Glamourpuss in her prime
We watched your old movies
You still had a good time

The nurses and doctors
Looked after you well
You remained ever happy
With Sister Carmell

So grandma I thank you
For those endless days of fun
I’ll think of you always
In your garden in the sun

 

[stang1]

Beautiful poem, Miss Wiggle. I'm sure your grandma would have loved it.

 

[Miss Wiggle]

thanks everyone for your help, the service was lovely and my poem was very well received.

was about as good as a sad day can be

 

[stang1]

thanks everyone for your help, the service was lovely and my poem was very well received.

was about as good as a sad day can be

Glad it went as well as it could. I was thinking of you.