A Bit Worried :(

[Carp4U]

Hi guys,

I've always been a bit of a worrier, and no matter how much my family reassure me I can never seem to relax.
My mum got married to her fiance last night, it's her second marriage, she divorced my dad 4 years ago. Ever since they divorced she's been unhappy, has had many partners, seems to have had no success with any of them although most of them treated her well. We've lived on our own with just us and the dogs for quite a while but we used to get on really well.

I'm going to skip all the detail to save your time.
Basically they've gone on their honeymoon to Cancun, Mexico, for 2 weeks today. I am staying at home with my grandma and grandad who are both in their 80's. They're still active (I don't need to look after them) but I do worry about my grandad because he collapsed for no reason last week but they couldn't find anything wrong and he made a full recovery. I'm really worried that he's going to collapse again, something like this happening on me would make me feel helpless and panicked. He seems to be fine however.

My main worry though is their honeymoon. My mum is generally chilled but when she drinks she can become very accusatory, stressed and a bit physical. My stepdad is younger than her, is also normally chilled, friendly and kind to me. He drinks a lot but generally just gets a bit clumsy or ignorant when he does. They have only been together for a year. They are both very passionate about each other, they were all over each other at the wedding, and they call each other several times a day and spoil each other rotten.
They've had about 6 major arguments over the past year, generally work related or because my stepdad has switched his phone off or on silent when he's gone to work as a taxi driver. However, the night before the wedding it got really bad because he went to stay at his brothers house and they went to the pub. Mum kept calling him and having a go at him so he switched his phone on silent. I then went to bed and woke up at 1.30am to hear shouting and all the usual stuff. I'm not going into details but they got really angry, I've never seen him look as angry before. He was calling her a 'f***ng *****' and 'you've ruined my life!' etc, and she took his minibus keys and locked herself in the bathroom and he kicked the door in. He didn't do anything to me. They then wrestled over their suitcases and ended up throwing it all over the garden and screaming in the street. Shortly after they spoke calmly in the living room, and mum ended up falling asleep. He really calmed down. He got his keys and drove off. In the morning mum drove over to a Travelodge to pick him up, and brought him back. They came back calm and happy but you could see they still had some resentment. This was on their wedding morning. The wedding went really well.

My worry is that they are going to argue on their honeymoon and that it will get violent again where I cannot be there to protect her, it's so far away. I don't seem to trust him, he's not as gentle as I thought he was. They tell me not to worry, as do all my family, but they didn't see what I saw, I'm not convinced. They tell me it's all work related, and down to the stress of the wedding. They are also leaving their phones switched off and on silent during the honeymoon. I'm just really worried of getting in a situation where I feel helpless and worried for my mum's sake.

Have you ever had any similar experiences/worries? Will a honeymoon be blissful for them? I know you don't know my mum and stepdad but my lengthy factual info should give you some background. Should I be worrying?

Thankyou very much to anyone who takes the time to read this!

 

[Randi]

You said not to tell you 'don't worry' but that is exactly what I am going to say. It is the parents job to worry about their kids, not the other way around. You say they are very passionate about each other and I can tell you from experience that passion goes both ways. Someone who is head over heels in love is more likely to be a screaming fighter. Couples who act less passionate during good times also have less passionate fights. When you are learning to merge your life with another person it can be stressful and cause tension especially if you are used to doing what you want and not having to answer to another person, that is perfectly normal. I would only worry if he says things to make your mom feel bad on a regular basis (not just when they are arguing) or if he physically attacks her. I'm not saying that this behavior is OK, but anyone who's ever been in love has gone a little bit crazy from time to time (and alcohol certainly makes it worse). They are on holiday, away from the stress of jobs and bills and all that, I'm sure everything will be just fine.

 

[Tokis-Phoenix]

Sounds like with your parents, its all too much too soon. Why the rush to get married? Going out together only a year is too little to get married!

Your mum is acting immature. Why is she so insecure? There's obviously trust issues in the relationship before they got married, being married isn't going to fix the paranoia.

You need to be straightforward with your mother. If you can't change her you can still improve the way you personally manage the problem, and being able to speak to her honestly will help you a lot.

Concerning your grandfather. If he is being strong then so should you- the least thing he would want to do is stress & worry you. Be strong for him and thats the best you can do for him- while your mum is away, take the oppotunity to spend some quality time with your grandparents .

 

[Carp4U]

Thanks for your advice so far, I don't know whether being paranoid is part of the problem, I always imagine something bad's happening, and imagine the worst possible scenario and convince myself it's true whilst thinking of the consequences of it.. then it's normally not true and I get a sense of relief when the things I think have happened are not true and there is always a logical explanation for it... That's what I do over and over again..

 

[sorgan]

Mate I am gonna lay a few little lines down for you -

1 - sh!t happens, it always has and always will, worrying about it doesn't stop it happening.

2 - you can do everything in your power to plan ahead but the greatest battle plans never survive first contact.

3 - don't worry yourself with what can happen, be more aware of what is happening.
4 - (and prehaps the most important) go with the flow mucker, if you worry over every little thing you will never be happy, just take things as they come

Good luck.

 

[Randi]

Well, I'm about to get a little personal here but: Always imagining that bad things are going to happen is a sign of an anxiety disorder. If it doesn't interfere with you life too much then I guess it's no problem. I suffered from anxiety and depression from the time I was 17 until I was 32. When I finally decided to do something about it, it only took about 4 visits with a therapist (and about 6 months of medication) to completly get rid of the problem. If you find yourself spending a good chunk of your day worring I suggest seeing someone about it. If this doesn't apply to you at all, well I've told some personal business for no good reason.