Jokes

[Better is Betta]

A pirate and his parrot were sailing the ocean blue in their pirate boat. The pirate noticed a genie lamp bobbing on the waves. He steered his boat towards it, retrieved it then proceeded to rub it vigorously. POOOF! out popped a genie, but this genie would only grant the pirate one wish. He thought long about it and finally wished for the whole ocean to turn into a fine brewed rum. POOOF! the ocean became a sea of fine brewed rum. After the time idled away and the waves of rum slapped gently against the boat, the parrot became agitated and gave the pirate a real dirty look." WHAT"! said pirate. The parrot replied "This is a fine bloody mess you got us into NOW WE'LL HAVE TO PEE IN THE BOAT"

 

[rob158]

Mr Tickle was really excited about getting married to his fiance Tess.
Tess however wasn't too sure about her new name!

 

[Better is Betta]

This is a true story.... I work in a menswear store and I served this old guy, he bought a pair of shorts. Being environmentally conscious I asked if he would like a bag and he said no thanks I brought my wife.

 

[mmanist]

Two dirty old coal miners, came into town after mining coal all day. They come across a cat house and decided to go. When they walk inside, the owners say to his worker, "I cant give my girls to these guys, they are so dirty and nasty." So he goes into the back and puts to blow up dolls in the rooms. The miners come up and say " Give me the two best girls you have!". They first guy goes in, does his thing and comes back out and says " Man!! thats was the best girl I ever had, She was quiet, soft, and didnt say anything." With a satisfied look on his face he sat down and told his friend its his turn. He goes in, a few mins later, he runs out screaming " Shes a WITCH!! Shes a WITCH!! I bit her titty, she farted, and flew out the window."
LMAO I love that my old neighbor used to tell me that!!!

 

[rob158]

My partner's parents are coming for Sunday dinner and I want to make a good impression. So I'm going to make a nice joint.
Then, when I've smoked that, I'll cook them beans on toast.

 

[Coolcandy86]

Good: You are explaining to your daughter about birds and bees.
Bad: She interrupts you.
Very bad: And corrects you.

 

[Better is Betta]

An Australian international sales rep was travelling around the world on business when he stopped at a small pub in Wales. On entering he yelled at the barman "Drinks are on me everyone my wife just gave birth to a 30 pound healthy baby boy." Everyone in the pub stopped what they were doing and stared at the rep in utter shock. An old lady sitting on a stool at the bar fainted at the thought. The barman said to the rep "Jeeesus Mother of Mary thats a big baby." "Not at all " said the rep "Thats quite normal for us Ozzies we breed em big nothing to worry about quite normal indeed." Three weeks later the rep on his usual rounds visited the same pub. The barman approached the rep and said "Me and the lads were having a bet on how big your baby boy is since your last visit, we reckon he'd be about 35 pounds now" " Nah! said the rep he only weighs 17 pounds, we just had him circumcised last week."