My Lastest Poem - Unicorn

[SlowSwim]

Unicorn

In a small field surrounded by violence
A Unicorn stands silent,
So far away this beauty seems
How unthreatend is the beast by all the violence and fearful screams

I take a step
The Unicorn slowly moves
Then the Violence stops
Now all you can hear now is rain drops


This beauty is so pure
I can not let hurt be brung apon it
And so i make a run for the beast
The Unicorn doesnt move and neither do i, not in the least.

I can not reach my Unicorn
I'll wait till beauty comes to me
fate be
What the small field leaves for me​

Let me know what you think guys.

- Matt

 

[pica_nuttalli]

ok, here goes... this is 100% meant to be constructive criticism, 'k? so let me know if i'm mean

i think the poem has a rhythm issue. have you tried reading it aloud? when you do that, do the words flow out naturally or is it difficult to say some parts? a good first step in revising a poem is to check how it sounds when spoken. and keep an eye out for "poetic" words that you wouldn't use in writing prose or while speaking to someone. a lot of times, anachronistic diction is just a crutch for a gimmick and doesn't really contribute to a poem's strength.

 

[Myrrh]

Poetry is tough stuff, which is why I don't really write it! LOL! But I do read tons of it! You have my admiration for approaching this particular art. Meter aside-- as meter really varies in contemporary poetry, this poem tugs the reader in many directions. In poetry, every single word must count: economy is essential. The only way to get by using fewer words than, say, an essayist or novelist is to know your subject thoroughly: in this case, the Unicorn-- for which there is no lack of material to research.

Unicorns are rarely seen (according to the mythos) because they only show themselves to the "pure of heart," generally represented as young virgins. A Unicorn would not be seen amidst violence unless, perhaps, in a vision-- maybe the vision of a person forced into battle who longs to see Unicorns because that might mean peace.

As well, those horns aren't there for decoration! They can be (and often are) deadly. They're also extremely valuable. There are countless tales of warriors who used virgins as "bait," to draw out unicorns only to try to kill them and take their horns. Unicorns either run, or attack if they can't run-- and they're magical, so they have powers that mortals lack. They do not go looking for battle, nor do they stay around for them!

It is a very difficult task to get the reader to suspend disbelief when one enters the realm of fantasy; as I said, it's far more than I would attempt! So, for this reader, the image of a unicorn surrounded by violence just didn't make sense as stated. However, I do like the idea of the vision of a unicorn while a man is surrounded by battle, and I would love to see this work refined.

The greatest poets of every era have worked and reworked their poetry until it was perfect! I do hope you'll do the same, and share it with us! There is little more rewarding than the experience of sharing the evolution of an artist, and you have my gratitude for allowing us to see your work in progress.

 

[SlowSwim]

I know this is like under a year late but thank you for your posts.. I'll post my revised poem soon. Thanks