Before we start: This is a bit of fun! Do not take this too seriously, I am only joking around here. No offence is meant to anyone, least of all the hundreds of experienced fish owners who post on these forums. But I couldn't resist making this based on a snapshot of my impressions from a few weeks here on the forum...
Answer these multiple choice questions, and note your answers. At the end, find out what type of fish keeper you are!
1. You have a 10 gallon tank. What do you put in it?
(A) A clown loach, two plecos, three male bettas, some platy fry and ten tiger barbs. Oh yeah, and a plant I dug out of my garden.
(B) I'm not sure. Some neon tetras? Wait! they need a more mature tank... er...
(C) It depends on the shape of the tank, the power of the filter, what other fish I want to stock in future, etc.
(D) Ten gallon tank? GET OUT. That's too small for even a single guppy.
2. Your fish are dying for no apparent reason. How do you react?
(A) Buy more fish. The law of probability says some will survive.
(B) Cry.
(C) Log on to the forum and post in the fish emergency section. Test the water. Change the water. Test it again. Add a pinch of oregano.
(D) Trick question - my fish never die.
3. Legendary celebrity aquarist HAMBONE has a spare heater he's offering you at a discount price. What do you do?
(A) I don't need a heater for my tropical fish. I have a chocolate gourami and it might melt.
(B) Say thanks but no thanks. I'm worried it might crack in the mail and electrocute my fish. Or me.
(C) What wattage is the heater? Has it been used in a tank where copper medications have been given?
(D) I have no need of second hand heaters. Whatever wattage it is will doubtless be insufficient for my 700 gallon tank with computer controlled lighting and fifteen sump filters.
4. What's on your walls?
(A) Dirt and dried cat pee.
(B) Wallpaper/paint
(C) Charts of API test colours.
(D) A signed photo by Takashi Amano
5. A snail outbreak is taking over your tank. How do you handle this?
(A) Stir the water really fast to centrifuge the snails off the glass.
(B) Worry that the snails will be impossible to remove and your tank is doooomed!
(C) Purchase an assassin snail, bung a bit of lettuce in the tank, pick the snails off with tweezers, or make a trap out of a bottle.
(D) Another trick question. I don't get snails unless I intend them to be there.
6. Your friend tells you they have set up a tank and immediately placed a shoal of small fish in it to do a fish-in cycle. How do you react?
(A) What's cycling?
(B) OK, hope it works out for them and they make sure to keep up water changes.
(C) That's not good. Advise the friend that maybe fishless cycling would be better, but if they've started already, oh well. Then go round and help test their water.
(D) Tell the friend they are worse than the demons of hell, that they should be reported to animal cruelty officers, then scream at them and shoot them in the head.
The Results:
Mostly A's - You are not suitable for keeping fish and probably should not be allowed to have children either. Any fish living with you won't be there for long. However, you may be blissfully unaware that you aren't doing it right.
Mostly B's - The Fretful Newbie. You love your little fish and want to do everything you can to keep them well and happy. But how can you when there's so much conflicting advice? The LFS tells you one thing, the forum tells you another... you don't know what to believe and so when your fish gasps it last you blame yourself for not having done the right thing. On the upside, you are always willing to take advice, and you may transition to become...
Mostly C's - The Fish Technician. You are probably experienced in looking after an aquarium and can spot ich from twenty yards away. Your fish are healthy and happy. You often give advice to the Fretful Newbie and know most of the tricks for solving common problems in your tank. However, you must be careful not become an obsessive water tester who is unable to enjoy the beauty of your tank because that fish there maybe looks like it's breathing a little fast... better do another water change?
Mostly D's - The Snooty Aquarist. Winner of the coveted Poisson D'Or at the Cannes Fish Festival two years running, your home is dominated by tanks. Fishkeeping has gone beyond science for you and has become an art, just as playing the violin is an art. People asking for advice are beneath you and might as well not bother, as nobody will be able to breed peacock bass as well as you can. You don't enjoy looking at the fish, but the idea that fishkeeping should be enjoyable is preposterous, isn't it?
Answer these multiple choice questions, and note your answers. At the end, find out what type of fish keeper you are!
1. You have a 10 gallon tank. What do you put in it?
(A) A clown loach, two plecos, three male bettas, some platy fry and ten tiger barbs. Oh yeah, and a plant I dug out of my garden.
(B) I'm not sure. Some neon tetras? Wait! they need a more mature tank... er...
(C) It depends on the shape of the tank, the power of the filter, what other fish I want to stock in future, etc.
(D) Ten gallon tank? GET OUT. That's too small for even a single guppy.
2. Your fish are dying for no apparent reason. How do you react?
(A) Buy more fish. The law of probability says some will survive.
(B) Cry.
(C) Log on to the forum and post in the fish emergency section. Test the water. Change the water. Test it again. Add a pinch of oregano.
(D) Trick question - my fish never die.
3. Legendary celebrity aquarist HAMBONE has a spare heater he's offering you at a discount price. What do you do?
(A) I don't need a heater for my tropical fish. I have a chocolate gourami and it might melt.
(B) Say thanks but no thanks. I'm worried it might crack in the mail and electrocute my fish. Or me.
(C) What wattage is the heater? Has it been used in a tank where copper medications have been given?
(D) I have no need of second hand heaters. Whatever wattage it is will doubtless be insufficient for my 700 gallon tank with computer controlled lighting and fifteen sump filters.
4. What's on your walls?
(A) Dirt and dried cat pee.
(B) Wallpaper/paint
(C) Charts of API test colours.
(D) A signed photo by Takashi Amano
5. A snail outbreak is taking over your tank. How do you handle this?
(A) Stir the water really fast to centrifuge the snails off the glass.
(B) Worry that the snails will be impossible to remove and your tank is doooomed!
(C) Purchase an assassin snail, bung a bit of lettuce in the tank, pick the snails off with tweezers, or make a trap out of a bottle.
(D) Another trick question. I don't get snails unless I intend them to be there.
6. Your friend tells you they have set up a tank and immediately placed a shoal of small fish in it to do a fish-in cycle. How do you react?
(A) What's cycling?
(B) OK, hope it works out for them and they make sure to keep up water changes.
(C) That's not good. Advise the friend that maybe fishless cycling would be better, but if they've started already, oh well. Then go round and help test their water.
(D) Tell the friend they are worse than the demons of hell, that they should be reported to animal cruelty officers, then scream at them and shoot them in the head.
The Results:
Mostly A's - You are not suitable for keeping fish and probably should not be allowed to have children either. Any fish living with you won't be there for long. However, you may be blissfully unaware that you aren't doing it right.
Mostly B's - The Fretful Newbie. You love your little fish and want to do everything you can to keep them well and happy. But how can you when there's so much conflicting advice? The LFS tells you one thing, the forum tells you another... you don't know what to believe and so when your fish gasps it last you blame yourself for not having done the right thing. On the upside, you are always willing to take advice, and you may transition to become...
Mostly C's - The Fish Technician. You are probably experienced in looking after an aquarium and can spot ich from twenty yards away. Your fish are healthy and happy. You often give advice to the Fretful Newbie and know most of the tricks for solving common problems in your tank. However, you must be careful not become an obsessive water tester who is unable to enjoy the beauty of your tank because that fish there maybe looks like it's breathing a little fast... better do another water change?
Mostly D's - The Snooty Aquarist. Winner of the coveted Poisson D'Or at the Cannes Fish Festival two years running, your home is dominated by tanks. Fishkeeping has gone beyond science for you and has become an art, just as playing the violin is an art. People asking for advice are beneath you and might as well not bother, as nobody will be able to breed peacock bass as well as you can. You don't enjoy looking at the fish, but the idea that fishkeeping should be enjoyable is preposterous, isn't it?
