Thought I Should Include You Guys

GAB99

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ok for school i had to make an essay on a hobby.... as the doofus i am i chose fishkeeping :rolleyes:
here the essay as to why fishkeeping is a great hobbyenjoy (critics welcome!) feel free to correct meif theres something wrong.

Parents are always being asked the age old question “can I have a pet?” Unfortunately lots of people these days have allergy problems with animals. Others have phobias of certain animals like snakes and lizards. And even population growth brings up issues with pets being too loud or being a nuisance to the community. Others think that they are too busy or the kids too irresponsible to have a pet. However there is a solution to this problem, fish keeping. Fish keeping is a great hobby because it is easy to look after, it is socially involved, and it can be under almost any conditions.
First of all, a lot of people say that having an aquarium is hard work. That is not necessarily true. If people do the work well and on time it is not a problem and it is fairly simple. Another reason why people steer clear of the hobby is that the fish die in a few days or weeks. This can be avoided by taking the necessary precautions, such as maintenance. Overall there is no reason to think fish keeping is difficult, it only has the potential of being expensive. Even this blight can be solved by the next topic.
Secondly, another reason to get into fish keeping is that it is socially involved. There are numerous events and clubs that have to do with fish keeping. There are fish conventions that sell top of the line equipment and livestock which are great for getting that one specimen. There are also clubs that specialize on certain fish or fish in general, and they can usually recommend you to a breeder that sells livestock for dirt cheap. More so, there are forums that do the same thing and there are even organizations that let you breed an endangered species to boost the numbers for reintroduction. Also, besides being a big center piece for a room, aquariums overall lower stress in the home and can lower the tension in a room, this makes them great for those rooms that seem too much or for a stressful house hold. These reasons prove that going into fish keeping is interestingly a very social hobby.
Finally, to prove that fish keeping is a great hobby to go into, i'm going to prove that this hobby can go anywhere. As listed above they are great stress reducers, making them ideal for busy house holds. Even if the house hold is more of an apartment or mobile home, they can still provide beauty. The small 10 gallon tank can go anywhere in the house, no matter how big or small. For bigger homes with more space, the larger 20-55 gallons will be useful. Fish keeping doesn’t need to stay in an indoor glass box. There can be outdoor tropical ponds for those that live in warmer weather and cold water wonderlands for those even in Alaska. Aquariums can also be in closely packed neighbor hoods, because the only fish I have ever seen make a noise had to be out of water. Modern filters are now completely silent, so you can be sure nothing will be making a noise from your new hobby.
Overall fish keeping is one of those great hobbies that have almost no downsides but have many interesting benefits. They are very easy to maintain and are virtually silent. They are great talk pieces and can allow you to meet new people and help the environment. Fish keeping can go almost anywhere and will not cause problems with anyone. Almost everyone around the world sees fish as a marvelous spectacle, and it is not a new hobby like breeding labra-doodles. Fish keeping has been around since before the Roman Empire, even Cicero kept fish! So what is stopping you? What are going to say when your children ask you for a pet?
 
i wouldnt say its too long a read (thought essays should be longer, as in a few pages? or at least they were in my day!!.) you do need to make your paragraphs a bit clearer though, just looks like one big block of writing.
if it does need to be longer you could include the folowing in it to stretch it out a bit!!


perhaps you could include a bit about how the challenges or science of fishkeeping is so interesting and how it makes it so different from keeping a dog or a cat for example, why it makes you want to keep fish, how you can earn a bit of pocket money from your hobby (breeding fish) how the hobby is not just about keeping the fish, but about getting the right lighting and balance for other things to grow (bacteria in the filter, plants) growing your own food (if you do that is..hatching brine shrimp, growing cultures) the fun of decorating a tank and all those hours spent browsing your towns LFS!!
 
There's a couple of grammatical errors in there, but nothing too bad. One point I would pick up on is the use of slang terms (e.g. dirt cheap) and also I'd be careful about asserting that you have proof of something, when no proof has been given. What you have given is an opinion, littered with a few facts. To start to prove something, you would need a sustained argument with specific case studies or suitable scientific research (as appropriate).

I noticed from your profile that you're 15, so I don't really know a)What is expected of a 15 year old in the American education system or b)What weighting this piece of work has (e.g. is it just a casual piece of writing or a more formal assessed piece).

On the positive side, if the idea of this piece is purely to persuade and is an exercise in that, then I think your enthusiasm really shows through. You certainly provide a persuasive, if not completely watertight, case for your argument.

Kind regards

Jimi
 
Seems ok to me, but I wouldnt bother with the first bit

"Parents are always being asked the age old question “can I have a pet?” Unfortunately lots of people these days have allergy problems with animals. Others have phobias of certain animals like snakes and lizards. And even population growth brings up issues with pets being too loud or being a nuisance to the community. Others think that they are too busy or the kids too irresponsible to have a pet. However there is a solution to this problem, fish keeping"

As this makes the essay read like a plus for keeping fish as a pet, rather than fish keeping being a hobby. I would add about water changes and maintenance as an explaination to the "First of all, a lot of people say that having an aquarium is hard work. That is not necessarily true. If people do the work well and on time it is not a problem and it is fairly simple"

Hope this helps
 
thanks for the input.....

all i wanted to do was show you guys my essay but completedly tearing it to shreds is fine too rolflmao.

and yes to defend my teacher this is just a convincing essay to get the year started. it prints different its really 2-3 pgs on 11-14pt font

maybe i shouldve been more specific on the fact i wanted to share... i think its cuz i thought its a fish forum and not paperhelp.com lol
 
This your assignment... whatever happened to ' the importance of water' and 'ressitance of a wire'


i would write 400 pages on why parkour is fun

and about 200 on keeping fish

then anothe 100 on free running
 
LOL

btw halo odst is AWSEOME!!!!

you play xbox?

if so whats ur gamertag if you dont mind me asking?

lol fish forums on halo. :shifty: :rolleyes: :hyper: :shout:
 
my gt is discobiscuits47 ..... dont ask why....

realy? .. commpared to the other 4 i didnt think odst was that great ... after number 3 and halow wars it felt a bit rushed :S
 
ok for school i had to make an essay on a hobby.... as the doofus i am i chose fishkeeping :rolleyes:
here the essay as to why fishkeeping is a great hobbyenjoy (critics welcome!) feel free to correct meif theres something wrong.

Parents are always being asked the age old question, “can I have a pet?” Unfortunately, lots of people these days have allergy problems with animals. While others may have phobias of certain animals like snakes and lizards. AndDon't start a sentence with Andeven population growth brings up issues with pets being too loud or being a nuisance to the community. Others think that they are too busy or the kids aretoo irresponsible to have a pet. However, there is a solution to this problem, fish keeping! Fish keeping is a great hobby because it is easy to look after, it is socially involvedno comma and it can be under almost any conditions.Try to re-word the underlined part
First of all, a lot of people say that having an aquarium is hard work, that is not necessarily the truth. If people do the work well and on time, then fish keeping is not a problem, but fairly simple. Another reason why people steer clear of the hobby is that the fish die in a few days or weeks. This can be avoided by taking the necessary precautions, such as maintenance. Overall, there is no reason to think fish keeping is difficult, it only has the potential of being expensive. Even this blight can be solved by the next topic.
Secondly, another reason to get into fish keeping is because it is socially involved. There are numerous events and clubs that have to do with fish keeping. There are fish conventions that sell top of the line equipment and livestock, which are great for getting that one specimen. There are also clubs that specialize in certain fish or fish in general, and they can usually recommend you to a breeder that sells livestock extremely cheap. More so, there are forums that do the same thing and there are even organizations that let you breed an endangered species to boost the numbers for reintroduction. This underlined sentence has two parts to it, and these two parts are not really related. Also, besides being a big center piece for a room, aquariums overall lower stress in the home and can lower the tension in a room. This makes aquariums great for those rooms that seem too much or for a stressful house hold. These reasons prove that going into fish keeping is interestingly a very social hobby.
Finally, to prove that fish keeping is a great hobby to go into, I will show you that this hobby can go anywhere. As listed above, aquariums are great stress reducers, making them ideal for busy house holds. Even if the house hold is more of an apartment or mobile home, aquariums can still provide beauty. The small 10 gallon tank can go anywhere in the house, no matter how big or small. For bigger homes with more space, the larger 20-55 gallons will be useful. Fish keeping does not need to stay in an indoor glass box. There can be outdoor tropical ponds for those people that live in warmer weather and even colder water wonderlands for those who live in Alaska. Aquariums can also be in closely packed neighbor hoods, because the only fish I have ever seen make a noise had to be out of water. Try to re-word this bolded part. Modern filters are now completely silent, so you can be sure nothing will be making a noise from your new hobby.
Overall, fish keeping is one of those great hobbies that have almost no downsides, instead, fish keeping has many interesting benefits. Aquariums are very easy to maintain and are virtually silent. They are great talk pieces and can allow you to meet new people and help the environment. Fish keeping can go almost anywhere and will not cause problems with anyone. Almost everyone around the world sees fish as a marvelous spectacle, and it is not a new hobby like breeding labradoodles, a very neat type of dog.You need to say something after labradoodles because some people will not know what they are. Fish keeping has been around before the Roman Empire, even Cicero, a Roman philosopher, kept fish! So what is stopping you? What are going to say when your children ask, can we get a fish?


Very nice so far!

May I ask what grade you are in?

-FHM
 
I would say that you have a fine first draft. True there are some things to be worked on, but in the same spirit you have given a non-fishkeeper a general outline of the benefits.

I agree with the others on what they have said, but I would also like for you to add your personal experience with fishkeeping. It's best to write what you know.

So your outline should go something like this: Introduction to the hobby, the history of fishkeeping, your personal experience, and finally your conclusion.

You are off to a great start so don't give up!
 

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