painted fish paper (right forum?) graphic

[Torrean]

This is what I've got so far. It needs to be a 5 min. speech. Any info will be greatly appreciated.

EDIT: the entire rough draft is further down the page. So you don't have to read this one.

Imagine, for a moment, a scenario. You are walking in a small room,
with no visible escape. There are so many people
in there with you that you cannot see the far wall. You feel several
vibrations and a giant lifts the ceiling off of
the room. He uses a net to catch you and lifts you from the room. As
you rise above the top of the room you realize
that there is no air. The giant walks across the room and flips the
lid off of a massive barrel. The smell of it’s
contents burn your nose. As you gasp for a breath in the vaccumm he
dunks you into the barrel. You try to scream as
most of your skin is burned away, but as you pull in a breath for that
scream your lungs fill with the acid. It seems
an eternity in fire but finally the giant lifts you from hell. You’re
so relieved you don’t even notice that there is
still no air.
Then the giant tosses you onto a cold steel table. It feels good on
your tortured skin, until he ties you
down. Then you begin to worry once more. You’re suffering is far from
over. You can’t see very well but you can
tell that the giant has walked over to a table and has picked something up.
He walks towards you and you feel a horrible
pain as he places his finger on your tortured flesh, but this pain is
uncomparable to the feeling that follows. A
sharp terrible pain, worse than the acid, slides from the bottom of
your spine to the top. You’re skin is being torn
from the muscle and stretched farther than it was ever meant to be. A
needle wider than a pencil and the length of
you’re spine slides out leaving a trail of fluorescent pink goo just
beneath the skin. The giant then shows some form
of mercy as he dips you into a second barrel which soothes and heals
your skin. The he throws you into a new small
room and you breath in deeply, somewhat thankfull to have survived the
ordeal.
This is one of the processes used to dye fish. Some of the most
brilliantly colored fish that we see in the
pet store have been torture in the way I just described. I’m telling
you this because I don’t believe that you would
want to support such a practice by buying these fish for yourself or
your children. These fish are deceivingly
advertised so be cautious when you buy fish. The have names like
painted glass fish, fruit loop tetra, and
Valentine’s day cory. Basically if the fish has any bright colors then
ask if it has been dyed.
When most people see these fish for the first time they think it is the natural coloration. Even if the Fish Store employee tells you it’s not natural does he tell you that 80% of the fish that this is done to die as a result? Not necessarily immediately but when the caustic material removes the fishes slime coat its immune system is compromised. Then the needle leaves an open wound which gets infected, causing the fish to die. The most confusing part about doing this is that the coloration fades over time.
This is what one person said about painted glass fish. “I am getting ready to buy some fish and I was considering getting some glass fish or painted glass fish. I found out that painted glass fish are just regular glass fish with paint on them. I know this may sound a little ridiculous, but once the paint fades, can I redo it? Anyway, if anyone knows anything about glass fish, can you please respond? I would really appreciate it. If they are not a good fish to buy, are there any other fish that are good for beginners?”
This woman actually bought some painted glass fish. “I did not think they were injected with the ink, I thought they were painted. WOW! I went out and bought some last night because they were so pretty. I guess that was a bad idea.”

 

[OohFeeshy]

Very good! I'd add a bit on the end, such as why they're dyed, life expectancy, disease, colour fading etc. Is this to be read out? If so, maybe do a quick slide show with pictures of dyed fish.

 

[ncjharris]

Its good!

Vivid, but enough this side of morbid to make sure I kept my dinner down!

EDIT: cos what I said didn't make sence!

 

[SirMinion]

Apart from the spelling, its great!

Very provocative, certainly gets the point across!

your = as in belonging to you.
you're = as in a shortened version of "you are"

its = as in belonging to "it" (no possesive apostrophe unless there's a proper noun)
it's = as in a shortened version of "it is"

and while I'm at it, not an error in your essay, but for the benefit of the English language generally:

There = as in "over there"
Their = as in belonging to them
They're = a shortening of "they are"

To = as in "we are going to the fish store
Too = as in "you can come too" or "there are too many fish in that tank"
two = as in the number "2"

Thank you for your time.

 

[One_Trick_Pony]

thank god its not onyl me that struggles sometimes

 

[akitty6552]

I love animals, and i cannot stand to see them suffering. I hate going to a pet store and seeing painted glass fish. Most of them are floating and if they live past a month, they are lucky. Poor things...

 

[cynqueen]

Very well said ... not too gross and definitely gets the point across!

and while I'm at it, not an error in your essay, but for the benefit of the English language generally:

OOoohh can I add one?

--> Ensure: to make certain something will happen)

--> Insure: protect against risk (i.e. car insurance)


Sorry but I had to add that one

 

[Torrean]

Imagine, for a moment, a scenario. You are walking in a small room, with no visible escape. There are so many people in there with you that you cannot see the wall. You feel several vibrations and a giant lifts the ceiling off and uses a net to catch you. As you rise above the top you realize that there is no air. The giant walks across the room and flips the lid off of a massive barrel. The smell of its contents burn your nose. As you gasp for a breath in the vacuum he dunks you into the barrel. You try to scream as most of your skin is burned away, but as you pull in a breath for that scream your lungs fill with the acid. It seems an eternity in fire but finally the giant lifts you from hell. You’re so relieved you don’t even notice that there is still no air. Then the giant tosses you onto a cold steel table. It feels good on your tortured skin, until he ties you down. Then you begin to worry once more. You’re suffering is far from over. You can’t see very well but you can tell that the giant has walked over to a table and has picked something up. He walks towards you and you feel a horrible pain as he places his finger on your tortured flesh, but this is incomparable to the feeling that follows. You feel a needle slide into the base of your spine. Then your skin is filled with fluorescent yellow goo. You’re skin is being torn from the meat and both are stretched farther than either was ever meant to be. He pulls the needle out, and shifts his thumb on your ribs. Then he puts it back in again a little higher, and injects the goo. This goes on until there is a solid yellow line running straight down your back. You’d be screaming if you could breathe. The giant then shows some form of mercy as he dips you into a second barrel which soothes and heals your skin, but still no air. You feel as if you are finally going to die when he throws you into a new room and you breath in deeply, somewhat thank full to have survived the ordeal.
This is one of three processes used to dye fish. Some of the most brilliantly colored fish that we see in the pet stores have been tortured in the way I just described. Others have been dipped in acid then into a bucket of dye and then into the soothing solution. Still other’s are fed dyed food as fry (which is another word for a young fish) all of these coloration techniques are TEMPORARY, and VERY unhealthy. The colors are very beautiful, but they will fade and then these naturally beautiful fish will have suffered for nothing. I’m telling you this because I don’t believe that you would want to support such a practice by buying these fish for yourself or for your children.
Painted fish are deceivingly advertised so be cautious when you buy. They have names like: painted glass fish, fruit loop tetra, and Valentine’s Day Cory. Basically if the fish has any bright colors then ask if it has been dyed. When most people see these fish for the first time they think it is the natural coloration. If the Fish Store employee tells you that it’s not natural, without you asking, then will he tell you that 80% of the fish that this is done to die as a result? Not necessarily immediately but when the caustic material removes the fishes stress coat its immune system is compromised. Then the needle leaves an open wound which easily can get infected, causing the fish to die. The most confusing part about doing this is that the coloration will fade over time.

This is what one person said about painted glass fish. I am getting ready to buy some fish and I was considering getting some glass fish or painted glass fish. I found out that painted glass fish are just regular glass fish with paint on them. I know this may sound a little ridiculous, but once the paint fades, can I redo it?

Another person said when she saw a picture of the painted glass fish on the net, I’ve been looking everywhere to find a picture of that fish. It’s the exact same colors as my room. I wonder if she knew what had to happen to that fish to make it so pretty.

Inexperience is at the root of the painted fish problem. People walk through a pet store, see the pretty fish, and decide, “I want a fish tank.” Then they buy the prettiest fish in the store without a care of what they need to eat, if they are compatible with one another, how big they get, how they breed, which is surprisingly important, or for that matter how they got into the store to begin with. Dyeing fish is a serious problem but it is only part of a much larger one. People simply buy fish without knowing any more than its name. All people need to do to avoid problem fish is simply take the time to go into the store with a pen and paper and write down the names of each fish that they like. Then take their list home, and do research on the fish, you’ll notice that the picture doesn’t have a bright blue spot in the middle of his forehead. After doing your own research compare your answers to his.
It’s a good idea to test your fish store employees knowledge and honesty before you depend on his advice. Go into a fish store and walk up to the bala shark tank or better yet the common pleco. Don’t let the fish store guy know that you know what it’s called. Ask him if you can put a pleco in a 15 gallon tank. If he says yes and doesn’t tell you that the fish will have to be re-homed eventually, then walk out. He is trying to sell you a trick fish. It can grow to 20 inches and produces as much waste as a fish twice his size. These fish are tank sellers. The fish store sells them for 3-4 dollars. Two years later the fish owner comes back with 500 dollars to buy a 55 gallon tank. Caching.
I hope none of you would buy painted fish now that you know. And demand controls supply. So do you demand that your kids new fish be tortured before you will buy it. I also hope that you will research your fish for adult size, temperature needs, dietary requirements, salinity content, and ph. Some of the most commonly painted fish are almost completely clear. Which would you rather have? A naturally clear fish or a naturally clear fish with an implanted fluorescent green line down its back.


Rough draft. thanks for the replies. I'll work on the grammar in a few minutes. Feel free to point out any errors in typing or general accuracy. I pulled most of it out of my head and I've been wrong before.

Edited. Thanks SIR Minion I kept stretched and ker-ching the way it was. I just like the way it sounds. Pretty sure I changed everything else. Thanks for the help.

 

[SirMinion]

Well done Torrean, this gets better & better.

I've made a few minor spelling & grammar corrections. Hope it helps.

Imagine, for a moment, a scenario. You are walking in a small room, with no visible escape. There are so many people in there with you that you cannot see the wall. You feel several vibrations and a giant lifts the ceiling off and uses a net to catch you. As you rise above the top you realize that there is no air. The giant walks across the room and flips the lid off of a massive barrel. The smell of its contents burn your nose. As you gasp for a breath in the vacuum he dunks you into the barrel. You try to scream as most of your skin is burned away, but as you pull in a breath for that scream your lungs fill with the acid. It seems an eternity in fire but finally the giant lifts you from hell. You’re so relieved you don’t even notice that there is still no air. Then the giant tosses you onto a cold steel table. It feels good on your tortured skin, until he ties you down. Then you begin to worry once more. Your suffering is far from over. You can’t see very well but you can tell that the giant has walked over to a table and has picked something up. He walks towards you and you feel a horrible pain as he places his finger on your tortured flesh, but this is incomparable to the feeling that follows. You feel a needle slide into the base of your spine. Then your skin is filled with fluorescent yellow goo. Your skin is being torn from the meat and both are stretched further than either was ever meant to be stretched. He pulls the needle out, and shifts his thumb on your ribs. Then he puts it back in again a little higher, and injects the goo. This goes on until there is a solid yellow line running straight down your back. You’d be screaming if you could breathe. The giant then shows some form of mercy as he dips you into a second barrel which soothes and heals your skin, but still no air. You feel as if you are finally going to die when he throws you into a new room and you breath in deeply, somewhat thankful to have survived the ordeal.
This is one of three processes used to dye fish. Some of the most brilliantly colored fish that we see in the pet stores have been tortured in the way I just described. Others have been dipped in acid then into a bucket of dye and then into the soothing solution. Still others are fed dyed food as fry (which is another word for a young fish) all of these coloration techniques are TEMPORARY, and VERY unhealthy. The colors are very beautiful, but they will fade and then these naturally beautiful fish will have suffered for nothing. I’m telling you this because I don’t believe that you would want to support such a practice by buying these fish for yourself or for your children.
Painted fish are deceivingly advertised so be cautious when you buy. They have names like: painted glass fish, fruit loop tetra, and Valentine’s Day Cory. Basically if the fish has any bright colors then ask if it has been dyed. When most people see these fish for the first time they think it is the natural coloration. If the Fish Store employee tells you that it’s not natural, without you asking, then will he tell you that 80% of the fish that this is done to die as a result? Not necessarily immediately but when the caustic material removes the fishes stress coat its immune system is compromised. Then the needle leaves an open wound which easily can get infected, causing the fish to die. The most confusing part about doing this is that the coloration will fade over time.

This is what one person said about painted glass fish, "I am getting ready to buy some fish and I was considering getting some glass fish or painted glass fish. I found out that painted glass fish are just regular glass fish with paint on them. I know this may sound a little ridiculous, but once the paint fades, can I redo it?"

Another person said when she saw a picture of the painted glass fish on the net, "I’ve been looking everywhere to find a picture of that fish. It’s the exact same colors as my room."
I wonder if she knew what had to happen to that fish to make it so pretty.

Inexperience is at the root of the painted fish problem. People walk through a pet store, see the pretty fish, and decide, “I want a fish tank.” Then they buy the prettiest fish in the store without a care of what they need to eat, if they are compatible with one another, how big they get, how they breed, which is surprisingly important, or for that matter how they got into the store to begin with. Dying fish is a serious problem but it is only part of a much larger one. People simply buy fish without knowing any more than its name.
All people need to do to avoid problem fish is simply take the time to go into the store with a pen and paper and write down the names of each fish that they like. Then take their list home, and do research on the fish, you’ll notice that the picture doesn’t have a bright blue spot in the middle of his forehead. After doing your own research compare your answers to his.
It’s a good idea to test your fish store employees knowledge and honesty before you depend on his advice. Go into a fish store and walk up to the bala shark tank or better yet the common pleco. Don’t let the fish store guy know that you know what it’s called. Ask him if you can put a pleco in a 15 gallon tank. If he says yes and doesn’t tell you that the fish will have to be re-homed eventually, then walk out. He is trying to sell you a trick fish. It can grow to 20 inches and produces as much waste as a fish twice his size. These fish are tank sellers. The fish store sells them for 3-4 dollars. Two years later the fish owner comes back with 500 dollars to buy a 55 gallon tank. Ker-Ching!
I hope none of you would buy painted fish now that you know. And demand controls supply. So do you demand that your kids new fish be tortured before you will buy it. I also hope that you will research your fish for adult size, temperature needs, dietary requirements, salinity content, and pH. Some of the most commonly painted fish are almost completely clear. Which would you rather have? A naturally clear fish or a naturally clear fish with an implanted fluorescent green line down its back.

I resisted the temptation to 'correct' your spelling of 'colour'

 

[Torrean]

Final Product.
supposed to be 5 min speech. It's 6:15. It needs to be longer. But I usually read to fast when I get up in front of a crowd.

Dyed fish die.
Imagine, for a moment, a scenario. You are walking in a small room, with no visible escape. There are so many people in there with you that you cannot see the wall. You feel several vibrations and a giant lifts the ceiling off and uses a net to catch you. As you rise above the top you realize that there is no air. The giant walks across the room and flips the lid off of a massive barrel. The smell of its contents burn your nose. As you gasp for a breath in the vacuum he dunks you into the barrel. You try to scream as most of your skin is burned away, but as you pull in a breath for that scream your lungs fill with the acid. It seems an eternity in fire but finally the giant lifts you from hell. You’re so relieved you don’t even notice that there is still no air. Then the giant tosses you onto a cold steel table. It feels good on your tortured skin, until he ties you down. Then you begin to worry once more. Your suffering is far from over. You can’t see very well but you can tell that the giant has walked over to a table and has picked something up. He walks towards you and you feel a horrible pain as he places his finger on your tortured flesh, but this is incomparable to the feeling that follows. You feel a needle slide into the base of your spine. Then your skin is filled with fluorescent yellow goo. Your skin is being torn from the meat and both are stretched further than either was ever meant to be (thanks but I like it like this). He pulls the needle out, and shifts his thumb on your ribs. Then he puts it back in again a little higher, and injects the goo. This goes on until there is a solid yellow line running straight down your back. You’d be screaming if you could breathe. The giant then shows some form of mercy as he dips you into a second barrel which soothes and heals your skin, but still no air. You feel as if you are finally going to die when he throws you into a new room and you breathe in deeply, somewhat thankful to have survived the ordeal.
This is one of three processes used to dye fish. Some of the most brilliantly colored fish that we see in the pet stores have been tortured in the way I just described. Others have been dipped in acid then into a bucket of dye and then into the soothing solution. Still others are fed dyed food as fry (which is another word for a young fish) all of these coloration techniques are TEMPORARY, and VERY unhealthy. The colors are very beautiful, but they will fade and then these naturally beautiful fish will have suffered for nothing. I’m telling you this because I don’t believe that you would want to support such a practice by buying these fish for yourself or for your children.
Painted fish are deceivingly advertised so be cautious when you buy. They have names like: painted glass fish, fruit loop tetra, and Valentine’s Day Cory. Basically if the fish has any bright colors then ask if it has been dyed. When most people see these fish for the first time they think it is the natural coloration. If the Fish Store employee tells you that it’s not natural, without you asking, then will he tell you that 80% of the fish that this is done to die as a result? Not necessarily immediately but when the caustic material removes the fishes stress coat its immune system is compromised. Then the needle leaves an open wound which easily can get infected, causing the fish to die.






This is what one person said about painted glass fish. “I am getting ready to buy some fish and I was considering getting some glass fish or painted glass fish. I found out that painted glass fish are just regular glass fish with paint on them. I know this may sound a little ridiculous, but once the paint fades, can I redo it?”

Another person said when she saw a picture of the painted glass fish on the net, “I’ve been looking everywhere to find a picture of that fish. It’s the exact same colors as my room.” I wonder if she knew what had to happen to that fish to make it so pretty.

Inexperience is at the root of the painted fish problem. People walk through a pet store, see the pretty fish, and decide, “I want a fish tank.” Then they buy the prettiest fish in the store without a care of what they need to eat, if they are compatible with one another, how big they get, how they breed, which is surprisingly important, or for that matter how they got into the store to begin with. Dyeing fish is a serious problem but it is only part of a much larger one. People simply buy fish without knowing any more than its name. All people need to do to avoid problem fish is simply take the time to go into the store with a pen and paper and write down the names of each fish that they like. Then take their list home, and do research on the fish, you’ll notice that the picture doesn’t have a bright blue spot in the middle of his forehead. After doing your own research compare your answers to his.
It’s a good idea to test your fish store employees knowledge and honesty before you depend on his advice. Go into a fish store and walk up to the bala shark tank or better yet the common pleco. Don’t let the fish store guy know that you know what it’s called. Ask him if you can put a pleco in a 15 gallon tank. If he says yes and doesn’t tell you that the fish will have to be re-homed eventually, then walk out. He is trying to sell you a trick fish. It can grow to 20 inches and produces as much waste as a fish twice his size. These fish are tank sellers. The fish store sells them for 3-4 dollars. Two years later the fish owner comes back with 500 dollars to buy a 55 gallon tank. Caching.
I hope none of you would buy painted fish now that you know. And demand controls supply. So do you demand that your kid’s new fish be tortured before you will buy it? I also hope that you will research your fish for adult size, temperature needs, dietary requirements, salinity content, and pH requirements. Some of the most commonly painted fish are almost completely clear. What it really comes down to is which would you rather have, a naturally clear fish, or a clear fish with an implanted fluorescent green line down its back? Thank you, any questions