Anyone Ever Got Divorced And Left Kids?

[simonas]

I have a massive dilemma and don;t know what to do

whether to leave the wife and two kids and rent a place of my own

I;ve sorted the place and my mind was made up until earlier. The wife has made a plea for me to stay but we;ve been in this situation twice before and I;ve backed down. I feel like I have had enough of this cycle. My biggest fear is the children they are 5 and 8 and I appreciate that being a part time dad is going to be hell but on the other hand I feel like me and the wife will always be at loggerheads for a high percentage of the time. we get on really well when its good and really bad when its bad.

have those of you who have made the break regretted it and why. I;m just looking for help with my dilemma and don;t personally know anyone who has been in this situation

thanks Simon

 

[VaegaVic]

Out of interest, why do you want to leave?
Is it just the arguing, or is there something else?

 

[woody88]

I have a massive dilemma and don;t know what to do

whether to leave the wife and two kids and rent a place of my own

I;ve sorted the place and my mind was made up until earlier. The wife has made a plea for me to stay but we;ve been in this situation twice before and I;ve backed down. I feel like I have had enough of this cycle. My biggest fear is the children they are 5 and 8 and I appreciate that being a part time dad is going to be hell but on the other hand I feel like me and the wife will always be at loggerheads for a high percentage of the time. we get on really well when its good and really bad when its bad.

have those of you who have made the break regretted it and why. I;m just looking for help with my dilemma and don;t personally know anyone who has been in this situation

thanks Simon

Hi mate, Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to give you i'm afraid, but I just thought i'd reply and say that i'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through.

I'm sure someone else who has had the unfortunate task of experiencing this will be on here to help.

I know this might be a silly question but have you and the misses actually tried to sit down and talk about your problem/s as I know that alot of break ups could possibly have been avoided just by sitting down and communicating with each other.

Another question you need to ask yourself really is do you still love her and do you actually want to end it?

I can't imagine what must be going through your head at the moment but all I can say is keep your chin up mate. Your not alone!

 

[heavenly_d3vi1]

Ive not left my kids, but I split up with my eldest 2 kids' dad when they were 2 1/2 and 8 months old. IMHO, kids (and parents) are all better off living seperately if things aren't great at home. If you and your wife aren't happy, your kids will pick up on it, and it probably effects them more than we think, thinking that your arguements etc may be THEIR fault, and therefore they're not going to be as happy as thry could be!

I can imagine its certainly not at all easy to take the final step, but I do think that in the long wrong most of the time its the best option! Obviously my kids were young when we took the plunge and seperated, but ever since their dad and I have got on MUCH better, and we're all happier! I have a new partner who I have more children with now, but my eldest kids' dad still spends a lot of time here with us, and sees the kids every day. it'll hit your kids hard at first as they're older, but as long as they know that you and your wife still love them as much as you ever did, they'll soon come to terms with it... and if they're anything like mine, will grow to love having 2 bedrooms and 2 lots of xmas pressies etc.. one at my house and one at their dads house!

Ultimately no one can tell you whats best in your situation, but I think its very clear that YOU think its best to move, as you've already sourced a place to live! It's often just as hard to leave the wife as it is the kids at first, as you obviously loved her once upon a time, and have probably spent a considerable part of your life living with her, and so will obviously still care about her, and wont want to see her hurt because you are leaving.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and have all this to deal with! I hope something I've said might help you out a little bit!

 

[clay]

im sorry to hear about your situation. . if i was you i would stay. get a mariage counselor. you will regret it so much later in life if you leave trust me.

 

[simonas]

cheers for the responses as you can see they are similar to the conundrum going on in my head

The other day I knew I wanted to leave for the better and felt relieved I had made that big decision but then today me and wife finally had a chat about it andshe let her guard down and that upset me

we tried counselling a few months back and my wife really wants to do it but I didn;t like it I;m terrible at opening up(yet find it easier on a forum with strangers!!). I;ve moved out once before when she told me to leave once and I got a house within a day from an aquaintance. we made up on the day I left and I left for two weeks and returned and we went on another two years to this point.

I still love her just not sure I love her enough and that is what bugs me.

 

[Thedoctor]

You sound like the type of guy that wouldn't let anything come between him and his kids. If that is the case, then (ultimately) I don't see a problem as far as they are concerned. May even bring you closer to them.

I'm not going to discuss my experience, but I have perspective.

I don't think you should take this forums responces too seriously as non of us have any clue regarding the depth and inner workings of the marriage/problems. We can only say 'what we think'we would do in that situation. I often say I would do one thing, until the time comes and I realise that I was talking fairy liquid bubbles before.

Good luck though, Nothing but sympathy here. It's not a nice thing to happen to all involved, whatever the outcome.

 

[HappyGeorge]

Mate my deepest sympathy's for your situation.

I do have one suggestion in relation to what you say about counselling.

My wife and I have good friends who have always had a bit of a fiery relationship. She went to school with my wife and he has been a mate of mine for 20 years. He finds it very difficult to talk to anyone but sometimes opens up to me. They got very close to breaking up and she spoke to my wife about it and he spoke to me. We were in the unique situation of being able to see both sides and we could understand how they would rub each other up the wrong way and see the arguments coming.
We sat down with each of them in turn and they openly told us what it was that annoyed them about the other, this was on different days and not with both of them around, so nobody to answer back or but in, and we just listened. When we had done this with both of them we had them back to our house again one at a time and discussed with them what it was that was frustrating the other and we also added what we had seen and commented on whether we agreed with the moans (this was their turn to listen and we didn't pull any punches as they are both very dear friends and splitting up would have been painful for both). To be honest they both had valid arguments and both had some very bad habits that upset the other and were obvious to everybody, then we got them together and we recapped on what had been said, again they weren't given the option of arguing.
It seems to have worked as they are still together 4 yrs on and they have an 1 yr old, and are looking at getting married. Now this might not work for everyone and you might not have friends that are close enough, or strong willed enough to tell you when to shut up but I would urge you to try anything to stay together. If it doesn't/can't work then you need to give the kids a stable environment and if that means living apart then so be it, just make sure you don't get a bum deal as far as the kids are concerned.

All the best
HG

 

[Baccus]

Sorry to hear about your dilema, it really is hard as both options (staying for the kids or leaving for the kids sake ie the kids hearing arguments etc) have very valid reasoning behind them. Unfortunately we don't all have crystal balls and can tell immediately which option is going to screw up everyones lives the most. My sister left her husband of 10years when her children where 3 (maybe 4 son) and daughter around 18months (maybe 2yrs old), there was around a 3year break with very limited contact between my sister and her ex-husand and her children. Her ex-husband had since hooked up with another woman who was originially just the baby sitter and there has been MAJOR problems ever since (maybe even before) my sister has begun trying to rebuild a relationship with her two children. Long and short of it the new partner has lied to both the children, brain washed them into believing she is their mother and not their real mother (my sister), prevented my sister contacting her children, abuses the father and the children both physically and emotionally. Surfice to say my sister has never been portrayed in a positive light to her children. This is an extreme example of a relationship that I have been exposed to indepth.

Now some questions do you and your wife get time apart from each other? For example does she have a girls day out and do you have time spent with your mates with no women about? Work doesn't count that is not a relaxing environment, nor does one person being stuck at home with nagging kids all day every day. Do you support each others goals and dreams?
Do you get time without the kids? Just the two of you going out for tea, lunch or a movie depending on budget and baby sitting constraints. Do the arguements usually start off with something like "you never" and quickly answered by "yeah well I've" these types of arguments will never lead anywhere except nit picking over every little real or imagined infraction. Do you both try to show each other you care by being considerate to the other one. For example my husabnd hates me squeezing the toothpaste from the middle, so I try not to do it, while I hate him jamming empty wrappers into empty dirty coffee mugs. They seem trival complaints but over time the constant frustration wears away at you like a small burr stuck in your sock.
Do you as a family share common intersts? Such as going for family drives and exploring the country side, and making the day special by having a picnic lunch or meal out together.
No relationship is perfect all the time and they do require constant work but it doesn't always have to be hard.

If you do want to rekindle the spark try going on a date (with her) go the whole hog arrive with flowers and have a table booked for a nice meal like you probably did when you first started dating just make sure she doesn't already have plans. And make every gesture with no strings attached.

Hope this bit of insight gives you some other ideas, but the choice is totally yours and needs to be made for all the right reasons which ever way you go.

PS All the questions I asked I don't expect answers for they are more a little mental check list for you to work through like a tick and flick to get you thinking.

 

[micko]

I'm all for the counselling route myself, probably as I'm a trainee counsellor but if you can open up to your wife then this shouldn't really be a problem opening up infront of a counsellor. They will not judge you or your wife, will not blame one or the other but give you both guidance in moving on from this point. Whether to carry on the relationship or to end it can also be worked out with their guidance. The counsellor can only help you on your input and openness in the session. if you believe you cannot do this you could just try maybe.


hope this helps.

 

[Ace Of Spades]

Leave her, better for the kids that you split and not argue, than stay together and argue. Spoken from a Divorce Stricken Child....

 

[simonas]

greta responses chaps

I have had another day off work today and a good chat with a friend that I don;t see so often but is great in these situations

we both have stressful lives I;m a criminal solicitor and am often in the police station at night etc andshe runs her own business coupled with two children who have busier schedules than us with football and dancing?!!

I;ve cancelled the rented house and we have have had a good chat and made up and I love her a lot the issue is that we get in these situations she gives me an ultimatum, I;m stubborn and stand my ground we fall out and then it ends up like this and then we finally give in,

Its definately communication failure on both our parts so I;ve agreed to the counselling that she has wanted for a while. Thats a big step forward on my part as I hate the thought of it

Plus Baccus you are right we hardly ever go out as a couple on our own but when we do we have a great time as its so relaxing without the kids

 

[Baccus]

Good for you wanting to go the counselling route

Its not easy, but because you have already opened up to a friend and on here hopefully talking one on one with a counsoller will not be so daunting.
Best of luck

 

[XFiSh_CichildX]

i hope you dont leave mate my mum and dad are devorced when i was 5 im 13 now and i hate it everyday i wish i could just have my dad there i hate travelling away to his house 1hour away for the weekend to see my dad step mum and step brother and then back home its a terrible thing i would rather have no fishtanks no christmas presants and have my mum and dad back together

 

[coldcazzie]

Finding it easier to talk to complete strangers is often much easier than talking to someone you know, simply because you don't know them! You can be completely honest, and make accusations that may not be true, and say mean things about people who you are frustrated with, or blame yourself as much as you want, and none of it matters because you will never see them again! (Or in the case of the forum, you'll probably never meet any of us IRL, so who cares what we think, really?!) There's no worry about judgement, and there;s no risk of it being brought up again in 3 years time when you're having a petty argument about something similar. But, despite that, talking is still worth it. But having someone else to play referee or to mediate, or setting yourselves ground rules that you have to stick to (eg of the talking rock - when a person holds the rock they talk and everyone else listens, even if they have something to say, and noone is allowed to talk until it's their turn to hold the rock) - these are well worth having in place.

Also, I definitely advocate spending time apart, and alone together. But make sure it's equal time. If you get to go out every fortnight and she only gets to go out once every 3 months she'll resent it and you, and the same if the roles are reversed. But having time to chill with your friends is worth it's weight in gold, and having time to spend with friends together is too, even if you have to spend extra money on a babysitter to come instead of trying to rely on friends or family for favours.

I really hope it works out, but if not, then you really can say you tried your best, and then you need to agree with the kids what will work best for all of you, it's important that they get a say so that they don't resent either one of you for mistreatment as mentioned by someone else (my hubby was also brainwashed by his mum after his parents divorced to beleive that his dad was a psycho who used to beat him, and having re-made contact with his dad about 2 years ago has discovered it all to be false) - not saying it has to be as severe as that, but even without meaning to many couples can end up using the kids as weapons simply because they are angry and can't express it in any other way.